Currently Reading The Moor's Last Sigh By Salman Rushdie see related

I can't explain why we live this way.

It's funny how people who used to mean so much to me a year ago, or even months ago, are just kind of fading from my life. Part of me kind of wants to do something about it, but I'm content to just let things be. If things are going to work out, they'll work out. And that's alright with me. I'm more concerned with getting this year over with than having a roaring social life, quite frankly.

I'm kind of addicted to tea (green tea and red tea are the best, but any tea is good)... And I've learned how to knit. Seriously, I'm one of the last people I'd ever think would learn how to knit. But it's some small sort of accomplishment, I guess. But maybe most of my time (when not practicing or doing homework or writing those dreadful scholarship essays) is spent reading (and drinking tea, of course!)... my god, I sound like a little old lady...

ooh, and i suppose i should mention that we adopted a dog... a 4 1/2 year old chocolate lab named Moose. He's sweet... and huge. I didn't really want a big dog, but when you're rescuing, I guess you really can't be that picky.

Oh, and I was accepting into the UWEC music school in November, and now they're giving me money, so it looks like that's where I'll be headed next year. Originally, I wanted to go to a super well-known university (Northwestern was my top choice) but I just can't afford that. Hopefully for grad school....

i say some pretty strange things for no particular reason.

i am quite fond of apples. i'm actually quite fond of fruits and veggies in particular. and to be honest, i haven't eaten any meat in several weeks. i ought to, but i just don't. partially cuz i'm not too thrilled with the whole animal killing bit, but also cuz i'm not real fond of how it tastes... somtimes i eat chicken or fish... but i really like things more when they're meatless!! and that was totally and completely random. whew.

i pretty much adore fall. as in autumn. i don't particularily enjoy falling, though i seem to do it enough. its so beautiful, especially on cloudy days... it makes me smile.

and i am really enjoying getting to know people too. quite nice. but i find that people are kinda weird about it. i ask a question, and they either don't answer, or they give me some freaky look and answer a different question i'm pretty sure i didn't ask. like, i asked how the school year was going so far, if they enjoyed this or that and blah blah blah. and he replied with silence, and then, "i saw a llama the other day." um, yeah, thanks. jerk.

but so it goes. i'm super excited for the state honors band performance/rehearsal thingy on wednesday and thursday. i love those people (they're all good!! amazing!!) and i'll miss them dearly. this is a once-in-a-lifetime situation, and i feel so honored to share it with such brilliant people. it's going to be great!!

bay port's WE is playing there too... hopefully things will come off alright. not too positive, but i'm crossing my fingers. there's some awesome musicians in there too, and so many sweet people. i think there really is something behind the idea that musicians are the nicest people on earth.

I love you not for who you are, but for what I am when I am with you.

I love how no one reads this anymore... i don't feel too guilty about typing everything that i want to say and indulging myself a little. It's fun to wallow in your own problems for a bit, isn't it?

If there's anything I've learned this summer, it's that I'm basically pathetic just like the rest of the species, and therefore not really all that special (damn). I would always tell people who knew me really well that "there is no weakness I can not overcome"... wow, talk about egotistical! and pretty incorrect. unfortunately, i'm just a sad creature like the rest of 'em. example: there's this guy i've liked for years (and i mean years... no, that's not the pathetic part yet). i was content with assuming that he didn't know i was alive. well, it became rather unfortunate when this spring, i realized he did actually know i was indeed a human being that breathed and such. wow, a dream come true, right? but i'm a chicken. and i went all spring and all summer without taking advantage of ample opportunities to make something happen. granted, i'm not positive that he ever actually liked me in return, but that's not really the point, is it? i chickened out and that's pathetic. i'm not planning on forgiving myself for a while... just to let it sink in.

my arms really hurt from drum-majoring... i'm going to have these insanely nasty shoulder muscles that are like... ginormous. sounds like fun.

i'm in denial at the moment, cuz a large chunk of my closest friends are leaving in a week for college. WHY can't i go too? gah. senior year is going to be awesome and super-fast, but these are my people (thank you, grey's anatomy!) we're talking about here. i know things are never going to be what they once were, and that's oh-so-depressing...

there's no business like show business.

don't ever attempt to drink a smoothie while hanging upside-down off a chair. it'll get messy.

this last week has been awful. i give up on the world in general. things started off great, but as the week wore on, things slid downhill pretty quickly. i've had endless insults hurled at me, ranging from "you're ugly" to "you're really not that good at much"... gee, thanks. normally i don't mind a few evil people, cuz that makes life what it is, but this never-ending stream is getting suffocating. ugh, i'm not saying this eloquently at all; i just sound depressed. oh well.

on a brighter note, wasn't harry potter amazing? i finished last saturday, but wow. awesome, no?

because my life needs a little variety, i think i'm going to say everything i want to say this week. that is, just say everything that pops into my head. that might get me in trouble, but it'll be interesting. just a forewarning...

ahhh, scary! done some major pondering and realized a lot about myself. don't you hate it when that happens? turns out, i've been kind of lying to myself for years, telling myself that i was a bitch, detached and brutal, just because that seemed to work with being successful at petty things like school and competitions. and yeah, while i have my moments, i'm not that kind of person. imagine... i'm actually pretty shy, though i get over it easily, completely lacking in self-confidence, and still fiercely loyal to people i consider trusted friends (which is few, though far more than i would have admitted to days ago). yeah, you're probably thinking "whatever" or something, but just try to go along with me on this one. it's shocking seeing yourself in an honest way. especially if you realize that you were covering up some of the most important aspects of who you are just because you considered them weaknesses. and seeing what really matters in life and how easily my strengths and supposed weaknesses fit into it shocked me. essentially, i've changed dramatically in the last few days (ugh, that's so cliche, but there's really no better way of saying it), though there's so much more to it than what i've just said.

sorry to bore you to death with that, but i had to say something just to get it out. because it's a really painful realization. ha, i'm probably the only person who would actually talk about it. but it's interesting, isn't it, to wonder about...?